I hate that moment when you seem to be getting better. You seem to have it all together for once. You seem to be content for once. You actually smile because you want to. Then, little things happen and they get to you. They eat at you. It’s only slight at first; just ticking away at your barriers. But, then, in that one moment, you lose it all. And you can’t control anything. You feel dizzy and dark. Lost and confused. Hopeless. And you have absolutely no one to talk to, because you feel like this parasite that can’t be dealt with any longer. You lie on your floor, shaking. Sobbing. Your eyes, face, and stomach burning. And you fall for the billionth time.
i dont know if not texting you is making it all worse.
i just want you to know how much youve hurt me, and how its your fault for sitting in on your arse all day
i was sick again after our phone call and have a bruise on my head from repeatingly smashing it against the wall, and i was sick again after that.
i hate everything. thing is its not even a case that i WANT to go back to this time last year, i NEED, to go back there. ive forgotten what a proper smile feels like again.
i want to be ok, it needs to be ok, it used to be ok. i miss it, and i hope more than anything in this world that it gets back to being ok.
all this time i thought he was down as he was bored, but really it was because of him dwelling on something i said in april
i moaned at him about fogetting inboxs, as i need them due to having this hard done by life at school, but really im the bad one
ive always done bad things in other relationships, but not in this one, becvuase i love connor. i was so adimant that just becuase i havent cheated on connor, i havent done anything wrong, i wouldnt have even realised what i done to him so long ago. im forever in debt for what i said, the worst thing is i didnt even mean what i said, i was drunk and have no idea where it came from. he’ll forever think about it, and its all becuase im just a stupid fuck who doesnt think before she opens her mouth i say stuff that can be taken wrongly and im just a useless peice of shit, he wont love me for much longer, thats if he’s even loved me since april
wtf im such a fucking arghhhhh
i’ve taken a line of razor from my shaver, stroking it across my wrist feels so good but i so want to press down, but it’ll kill connor, he done so much hard work to get me out of the place i was
but im horrified i said such a spastic thing, and i need to punish myself
he talks truth when pissed..
he told me that he really doesnt mind not going out much anymore because he likes being in with me, and i said well its ok we’ll go our more in the summer time, and he was like leia i really just love being with you, i dont mind staying in more for the rest of my life
ahhhh he loves me XD
sorted
i told him that i didnt think he felt the same anymore and how kisses and cuddles weren’t as frequent anymore..
and he told me that he love me and gave me a big hug, and said its only because him being out of work is affecting him (which i could tell anyway)
we cuddled on the sofa for a few hours watching step brothers (funny film!!) it was cute, we haven’t done that properly in a while… then i had to rush to work but ahhh welll its making me miss him even moreeeeee ahhhhhhhh I LOVE HIM
i feel a lot better about things
plus he’s got an interview on friday… things are looking up XD yayyyy!
i love him so much and i wanna ring him so badddddddddd! but wing chung ¬¬
its not the same anymore
he doesnt love me the way he used to.. he says he does but i can see it in his eyes.
its the little things you notice you know… the lack of messages.. not wanting to cuddle and kiss.
i hope its going to be ok.
nov2011
notes to self
stop cuddling connor so much, he made a dig about it the other day, and i dont want to get annoying :/
loose weight. connor used to say i was perfect, now when i complain about my weight he laughs about how i never started the diet i said i would; he hasnt called me sexy in a while either, i dont want to be sexy, but i do want connor to find me sexy which means getting rid of all this digusting flab
stop crying about 6th form, its shit, you’ve realised that, stop moaning about it to other people they dont want to hear it, and they really dont care.
connor’s so sexy and fit and a generally a fucking awesome guy, i’m so lucky to have him.
i need to be pretty and sexy though, i want him to lust after me, i want him to smile at the thought of me, like i do when i think of him. when i sit in class and start to day dream about having sex with him… i get horny… i want that to happen to him to. but for all this to happen and for me to stop moaning and be happy and be perfectly skinny like all the new 6th form girls in the bandage skirts from topshop, THEN LEIA FOR FUCKS SAKE, STOP EATING. YOU’LL ONLY GET EVEN FATTER.
